Neglected lair.
Seems I have abandoned my post. Well, that's not necessarily the case. Truth be told, I have another online journal. Guess I'm kinda over the whole, my mother didn't love me and my father left me, stage which when looking back, fills the archives of this blog. You could even say I'm sorta moving on. I'll keep this one active and will occasionally post here only because I worked so damn hard to create it. Besides, I'm vain like that.
So, I'll give up address to those who ask nicely. Don't forget to include a rose.gif in your request for extra emphasis. I'd post it here but there are some people who I'd rather not have access...*singing* "It's my prerogative". And if you do happen to wonder onto my new space, be warned that it's purely barebones writing...meaning that it's very direct and uncensored. Unlike the lair, tho equally honest, it is generally free of metaphors and cushioned insults.
howled @ 10:23 AM
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Yummhummmmeee!
Tomboy:
You dress pretty casual and you have short hair
that's pretty easy to style. You are probably
frequently mistaken for a young boy. You are
very passionate and fall in love easily.
What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You??? brought to you by Quizilla
howled @ 2:37 PM
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Jody Foster aint got nuttin on me...
Last nite I dreamt that I was an FBI agent working undercover as an underdressed, overmadeup, Mob whore. I had to fuck a few Italian dudes in order to get the info I needed to uncover their laundered money...found over $22,200 in bills and coins. Yeah, that was SO worth blowin an old hairy dude. *shiver* The money happened to belong to my dad, Jim, who is now dead. I remember thinking that I was glad he left me an inheritance because I was so broke. Oh, and I had this female partner who was my bitch ridden side kick. After we found the loot, we blew up the old house it was in and then went swimming in this fountain outside the agency.
Later I dreamt that I was attending this outside concert, which was in the football field of some college, with a few folks from my past. I was pissed that I missed the Metallica show and that I had to settle for some lame folk music. Stephen, an ex roommate, and I went to the concession stands, set up like a flea market, and we were shoppin for cool shit. Then I lost him in the crowd so I went sat with this group of strangers and lit up a cigarette. Turned out that they were all waiting to rent movies. I saw Stephen in some futuristic car pull out of this church building, which was suddenly behind me, and he was bullshittin with a priest about the car.
When I woke up this morning, the first thought passing thru my mind was...
Fuck, I'm crazy.
howled @ 10:17 AM
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Can I hear a wha wha?!
Took the job at Oak and More. Hired right on the spot. Think I'm really going to love being an art seller. It pays more than Barnes & Noble and the hours are alot more manageable. It's privately owned/ran by a wonderful family which fills me with pride because I am working for a small business as opposed to a large corporation (*cough*like my day job *cough*). Gotta support the lil guys...right! So...yeah.
Now that I'll be averaging 55-60 work hrs a week, I'll definitely need to take advantage of my available personal time. The first weeks of November will be spent unpacking and adjusting to the new schedule and home. Seems that I always make drastic changes along with the autumn season. When everything else is preparing for the long cold winter by bunkering down and hoarding food, I'm uprooting and discarding anything that isn't necessary in my present life. What's that about?
howled @ 8:56 AM
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More job interviews...
One is for "Oak and More". They sell nature prints, wooden furniture, and sculptures. My favorite co-worker, Gloria, has relatives who own the store and she mentioned to them that I am looking for part time work. So I called the owner and she wants me to come in tonite so we can talk over details, I'm stoked!
There's also another one next Tuesday with Minnesota Primer. This sounds a bit "umbrella sales" to me so depending on what happens with tonites meeting, I just may cancel.
The interview with Barnes and Noble went well but the hours are a bit late for me. They want me to work until 11:30p. Ok, but I have a 20 min drive home and then have to hurry up and go to sleep, then I'd have to be up at 7am the next day. Call me a wimp but I'm not going to fricken kill myself for a little extra cash.
Needless to say, I'm keeping my options open. Can't start a job until November 1st anyway because I'll be in Branson, MI the last week in October. HOORAY!
howled @ 11:09 AM
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Redneck Weather Station
howled @ 10:51 AM
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Drained.
Blurry eyed. No motivation. Unfocused. Over anxious.
Why is it that when ever I get stressed, my body completely shuts down?
howled @ 8:58 AM
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What a busy week.
Monday: Went to therapy; registered to vote.
Tuesday: Job interview w/ Barnes and Noble; set up carpet cleaners appt.
Wednesday: Cancel my phone/electric service; pack my bedroom.
Thursday: Ensure all mail is transfered to C's; pack bathroom/kitchen.
Friday: Clean new living space and prep for my invasion.
Saturday: MOVE and drink beer.
Sunday: Merge Gryphon and Parker; unpack.
DAMN!
howled @ 8:51 AM
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Rip rattle and roll.
I have an appt with Heidi tonite. I've been seeing her every Monday at 6 for about a month now. Prior to this ritual, we were only meeting like once every 3 weeks. Glad it's starting to be more consistent. There are things that I am still scared to tell her. I know she's a therapist and is there to listen without judgment but she's also a stranger in some sense. Let's not forget that she's also human so to be completely free of judgment would be superhuman and although she's super cool, she's nowhere near SuperWoman status. Last week I started to cry in front of her and that was pretty damn scary. I hate crying in front of people. In fact, even when I'm alone I try to stiffle my pain.
I feel so ugly when I cry. My face gets patchy with red spots, my eyes swell up like blowfish, my lips crinkle into this weird painful smile, my nostrils flare and then drip. And once I realize that I'm outta control of my emotions, I panic. My body gets tense and shaky, I heat up from embarrassment and shame, my throat feels like I just swallowed a whole basketball and when I try to speak, the voice that is not my own spills out in ripples, sometimes causing me to choke.
The irony is that I tear at the drop of a hat. My emotions are so close to the surface that the slightest nudge instantly sends a spark to my main sprinkler system. Before you know it, I can't turn them off. They just drain and drain until the pipes are empty. I never used to be like that. It would take a very strong emotional situation in order to set me off. Ok ok, hallmark commercials qualify. But usually I'd just get angry instead of upset. Venting my hurts thru malicious words, self destruction, and spontaneous unhealthy behaviors.
Seems as though the moment I found out about my mom's death, I allowed myself to cry and really haven't stopped. Something about that certain release opened the flood gates and blocked the sensors which trigger them to close again. However, even though I cry more frequently, I still attempt to hide it. I either try to nuzzle in the crook of someone's neck or put my hands over my face. When I was a child, I hid my tears so that my brother wouldn't use them as another way to torture me. Or when my mom would say "do you want me to give you something to cry about" after she had already beat me.
In the beginning it was very hard to hold it all in. I remember trembling while trying to catch my breath. My chest and head would ache as I desperately fought the instinct to yell out in pain. After awhile, it became the only thing I had some control over and no one could take that away. Needless to say, it's extremely hard to overcome a method you've created to protect yourself. The fact is, I don't want anyone to see me vulnerable. Ever. Growing up I always felt helpless and weak. Like a new baby bird that fell out of it's nest, only to be clawed at by a hungry alley cat.
This brings me full circle you see, because Heidi is trying to convince me that I'll feel free and empowered if I allow myself to cry. Like really cry. Like wail as if I were Alice in Wonderland stuck in a huge hallway with only little doors to escape thru. She says that the little girl deep inside my soul is crying that the only way she will feel some relief is if I let it all out. Take the emotional pressure off of my "child" so she can start to heal. *sigh* I'm sure she's right. I mean it would explain the instantaneous tearing up over spilt milk. Seriously, I leak like a political informant...easily and endlessly. My body betrays itself. My mind is fighting hard to remain strong yet my spirit is weeping for freedom. Heidi says that to be strong is to be vulnerable...and although my logic agrees with her, I can't quite convince my emotions to be that brave.
So how do I stop my natural response to cover up the pain? I'm terrified to feel the real hurts so I distract myself with petty bullshit. Between a) being ultra sensitive to anything anyone does or says and b) being completely void of all that has caused the sensitivity, I'm destroying the very innocence that I'm trying to protect. Goddamn soul-healing SUCKS! It itches and annoys me like a bad mosquito bite.
howled @ 3:25 PM
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I stole this...get over it!
Pure honesty with no consequences.
Write 20 different statements to a few different people
but don't say who they are written for.
1) I can never believe you and that makes me sad.
2) I don't understand why don't you want me.
3) My soul isn't equipped to block your insensitive daggers.
4) I think you helped him die so in my eyes you're a murderer.
5) Marry me.
6) We share the same beautiful vision.
7) You embarrass me.
8) Sorry I couldn't love you the way you loved me.
9) You're kisses melt me like milk chocolate in my pocket.
10) I'll never feel that way again, that's a promise.
11) You annoy the shit out of me.
12) You gave me a million mixed messages but I still loved you.
13) Thanks for helping me mature.
14) I hate that you left me here to miss you.
15) You really piss me off when your trying to dictate my every move.
16) Your so damn funny and always keep me smiling.
17) You always steal my thunder; I think it's because your envious.
18) I wish you were my mom.
19) Sorry I'm no longer there to be your lighthouse.
20) I love you.
howled @ 10:52 AM
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Packing memories.
While going thru closets, eliminating anything that I don't use or need, I came across some things of my moms. Old photographs from her childhood. Wow, she was a gorgeous lil girl! Actually, my grandpa and grandma were pretty damn beautiful too. It was totally cool seeing cars, houses, hairstyles, and clothes from the 50's. With all that I've found, I'm going to make a scrap book in memory of my mom and hopefully pass it down to my child.
Also, looked over a couple of her journals again and I found the most compelling quote which sums up her personality perfectly...
"Boldness is Genuis with Power and Magic in it."
howled @ 10:16 AM
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Moore.
Michael Moore
October 8, 2004
The filmmaker is speaking at campuses in 20 battleground states.
When: 8 p.m. today
Where: Williams Arena, University of Minnesota
Tickets: $6.
_____________________________________________________
I'm goin!
howled @ 9:33 AM
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