Deep Within The Lair

Neglected lair.

2004-11-04T10:23:00.000-06:00

Seems I have abandoned my post. Well, that's not necessarily the case. Truth be told, I have another online journal. Guess I'm kinda over the whole, my mother didn't love me and my father left me, stage which when looking back, fills the archives of this blog. You could even say I'm sorta moving on. I'll keep this one active and will occasionally post here only because I worked so damn hard to create it. Besides, I'm vain like that.

So, I'll give up address to those who ask nicely. Don't forget to include a rose.gif in your request for extra emphasis. I'd post it here but there are some people who I'd rather not have access...*singing* "It's my prerogative". And if you do happen to wonder onto my new space, be warned that it's purely barebones writing...meaning that it's very direct and uncensored. Unlike the lair, tho equally honest, it is generally free of metaphors and cushioned insults.

Yummhummmmeee!

2004-10-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

Tomboy:
You dress pretty casual and you have short hair
that's pretty easy to style. You are probably
frequently mistaken for a young boy. You are
very passionate and fall in love easily.

What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

Jody Foster aint got nuttin on me...

2004-10-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

Last nite I dreamt that I was an FBI agent working undercover as an underdressed, overmadeup, Mob whore. I had to fuck a few Italian dudes in order to get the info I needed to uncover their laundered money...found over $22,200 in bills and coins. Yeah, that was SO worth blowin an old hairy dude. *shiver* The money happened to belong to my dad, Jim, who is now dead. I remember thinking that I was glad he left me an inheritance because I was so broke. Oh, and I had this female partner who was my bitch ridden side kick. After we found the loot, we blew up the old house it was in and then went swimming in this fountain outside the agency.

Later I dreamt that I was attending this outside concert, which was in the football field of some college, with a few folks from my past. I was pissed that I missed the Metallica show and that I had to settle for some lame folk music. Stephen, an ex roommate, and I went to the concession stands, set up like a flea market, and we were shoppin for cool shit. Then I lost him in the crowd so I went sat with this group of strangers and lit up a cigarette. Turned out that they were all waiting to rent movies. I saw Stephen in some futuristic car pull out of this church building, which was suddenly behind me, and he was bullshittin with a priest about the car.

When I woke up this morning, the first thought passing thru my mind was...
Fuck, I'm crazy.

Can I hear a wha wha?!

2004-10-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

Took the job at Oak and More. Hired right on the spot. Think I'm really going to love being an art seller. It pays more than Barnes & Noble and the hours are alot more manageable. It's privately owned/ran by a wonderful family which fills me with pride because I am working for a small business as opposed to a large corporation (*cough*like my day job *cough*). Gotta support the lil guys...right! So...yeah.

Now that I'll be averaging 55-60 work hrs a week, I'll definitely need to take advantage of my available personal time. The first weeks of November will be spent unpacking and adjusting to the new schedule and home. Seems that I always make drastic changes along with the autumn season. When everything else is preparing for the long cold winter by bunkering down and hoarding food, I'm uprooting and discarding anything that isn't necessary in my present life. What's that about?

More job interviews...

2004-10-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

One is for "Oak and More". They sell nature prints, wooden furniture, and sculptures. My favorite co-worker, Gloria, has relatives who own the store and she mentioned to them that I am looking for part time work. So I called the owner and she wants me to come in tonite so we can talk over details, I'm stoked!

There's also another one next Tuesday with Minnesota Primer. This sounds a bit "umbrella sales" to me so depending on what happens with tonites meeting, I just may cancel.

The interview with Barnes and Noble went well but the hours are a bit late for me. They want me to work until 11:30p. Ok, but I have a 20 min drive home and then have to hurry up and go to sleep, then I'd have to be up at 7am the next day. Call me a wimp but I'm not going to fricken kill myself for a little extra cash.
Needless to say, I'm keeping my options open. Can't start a job until November 1st anyway because I'll be in Branson, MI the last week in October. HOORAY!

Redneck Weather Station

2004-10-14T10:51:00.000-05:00

Drained.

2004-10-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Blurry eyed. No motivation. Unfocused. Over anxious.
Why is it that when ever I get stressed, my body completely shuts down?

What a busy week.

2004-10-12T08:51:00.000-05:00

Monday: Went to therapy; registered to vote.
Tuesday: Job interview w/ Barnes and Noble; set up carpet cleaners appt.
Wednesday: Cancel my phone/electric service; pack my bedroom.
Thursday: Ensure all mail is transfered to C's; pack bathroom/kitchen.
Friday: Clean new living space and prep for my invasion.
Saturday: MOVE and drink beer.
Sunday: Merge Gryphon and Parker; unpack.

DAMN!

Rip rattle and roll.

2004-10-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

I have an appt with Heidi tonite. I've been seeing her every Monday at 6 for about a month now. Prior to this ritual, we were only meeting like once every 3 weeks. Glad it's starting to be more consistent. There are things that I am still scared to tell her. I know she's a therapist and is there to listen without judgment but she's also a stranger in some sense. Let's not forget that she's also human so to be completely free of judgment would be superhuman and although she's super cool, she's nowhere near SuperWoman status. Last week I started to cry in front of her and that was pretty damn scary. I hate crying in front of people. In fact, even when I'm alone I try to stiffle my pain.

I feel so ugly when I cry. My face gets patchy with red spots, my eyes swell up like blowfish, my lips crinkle into this weird painful smile, my nostrils flare and then drip. And once I realize that I'm outta control of my emotions, I panic. My body gets tense and shaky, I heat up from embarrassment and shame, my throat feels like I just swallowed a whole basketball and when I try to speak, the voice that is not my own spills out in ripples, sometimes causing me to choke.

The irony is that I tear at the drop of a hat. My emotions are so close to the surface that the slightest nudge instantly sends a spark to my main sprinkler system. Before you know it, I can't turn them off. They just drain and drain until the pipes are empty. I never used to be like that. It would take a very strong emotional situation in order to set me off. Ok ok, hallmark commercials qualify. But usually I'd just get angry instead of upset. Venting my hurts thru malicious words, self destruction, and spontaneous unhealthy behaviors.

Seems as though the moment I found out about my mom's death, I allowed myself to cry and really haven't stopped. Something about that certain release opened the flood gates and blocked the sensors which trigger them to close again. However, even though I cry more frequently, I still attempt to hide it. I either try to nuzzle in the crook of someone's neck or put my hands over my face. When I was a child, I hid my tears so that my brother wouldn't use them as another way to torture me. Or when my mom would say "do you want me to give you something to cry about" after she had already beat me.

In the beginning it was very hard to hold it all in. I remember trembling while trying to catch my breath. My chest and head would ache as I desperately fought the instinct to yell out in pain. After awhile, it became the only thing I had some control over and no one could take that away. Needless to say, it's extremely hard to overcome a method you've created to protect yourself. The fact is, I don't want anyone to see me vulnerable. Ever. Growing up I always felt helpless and weak. Like a new baby bird that fell out of it's nest, only to be clawed at by a hungry alley cat.

This brings me full circle you see, because Heidi is trying to convince me that I'll feel free and empowered if I allow myself to cry. Like really cry. Like wail as if I were Alice in Wonderland stuck in a huge hallway with only little doors to escape thru. She says that the little girl deep inside my soul is crying that the only way she will feel some relief is if I let it all out. Take the emotional pressure off of my "child" so she can start to heal. *sigh* I'm sure she's right. I mean it would explain the instantaneous tearing up over spilt milk. Seriously, I leak like a political informant...easily and endlessly. My body betrays itself. My mind is fighting hard to remain strong yet my spirit is weeping for freedom. Heidi says that to be strong is to be vulnerable...and although my logic agrees with her, I can't quite convince my emotions to be that brave.

So how do I stop my natural response to cover up the pain? I'm terrified to feel the real hurts so I distract myself with petty bullshit. Between a) being ultra sensitive to anything anyone does or says and b) being completely void of all that has caused the sensitivity, I'm destroying the very innocence that I'm trying to protect. Goddamn soul-healing SUCKS! It itches and annoys me like a bad mosquito bite.

I stole this...get over it!

2004-10-11T10:52:00.000-05:00

Pure honesty with no consequences.
Write 20 different statements to a few different people
but don't say who they are written for.

1) I can never believe you and that makes me sad.
2) I don't understand why don't you want me.
3) My soul isn't equipped to block your insensitive daggers.
4) I think you helped him die so in my eyes you're a murderer.
5) Marry me.
6) We share the same beautiful vision.
7) You embarrass me.
8) Sorry I couldn't love you the way you loved me.
9) You're kisses melt me like milk chocolate in my pocket.
10) I'll never feel that way again, that's a promise.
11) You annoy the shit out of me.
12) You gave me a million mixed messages but I still loved you.
13) Thanks for helping me mature.
14) I hate that you left me here to miss you.
15) You really piss me off when your trying to dictate my every move.
16) Your so damn funny and always keep me smiling.
17) You always steal my thunder; I think it's because your envious.
18) I wish you were my mom.
19) Sorry I'm no longer there to be your lighthouse.
20) I love you.

Packing memories.

2004-10-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

While going thru closets, eliminating anything that I don't use or need, I came across some things of my moms. Old photographs from her childhood. Wow, she was a gorgeous lil girl! Actually, my grandpa and grandma were pretty damn beautiful too. It was totally cool seeing cars, houses, hairstyles, and clothes from the 50's. With all that I've found, I'm going to make a scrap book in memory of my mom and hopefully pass it down to my child.

Also, looked over a couple of her journals again and I found the most compelling quote which sums up her personality perfectly...

"Boldness is Genuis with Power and Magic in it."

Moore.

2004-10-08T09:33:00.000-05:00

Michael Moore
October 8, 2004
The filmmaker is speaking at campuses in 20 battleground states.

When: 8 p.m. today

Where: Williams Arena, University of Minnesota

Tickets: $6.
_____________________________________________________

I'm goin!

Driven.

2004-10-07T08:43:00.001-05:00

What exactly constitutes as driven? Is someone working towards a career more driven than someone working on healing themselves? No.

In the past, people have said that I'm not ambitious enough. Fuck that. It's true that I'm not a college graduate or self employed. I'm not a CEO or VIP. I'm not a rich debutante and I'm certainly not an athlete. So what AM I passionate about? Greater spiritual knowledge. Learning and experiencing all I can in this world so that my soul can transcend into the next level of existence. Did I lose ya? :o) Let me put it this way: My success in life is measured by inner peace and knowledge. Money, power, fast cars and even faster women, although fun and exciting, are merely instantaneous. A flash in the pan. Distractions which halt our spiritual growth.

Everything I know, I've learned on my own thru self-education and personal experiences. That's not to say that I haven't had schooling. But what folks tend to forget is that educational books are written by people who isolated themselves in this one topic and usually only focus on one side of the issue. As children we are taught that there is only one way to write a sentence and one way to solve a math problem. Though those things are helpful in order to communicate our ideas and create masterful architecture; they are also limiting and can mute the child's natural curiosity about life.

For instance, in American schools history books there are chapters upon chapters on our founding fathers and the Egyptian pyramids but if you'll notice, all one sided. It's dressed up and polished to give this impression that America was governed by compassionate men and the mystical pyramids were built by willing workers. It's all bullshit! Power was the only driving force in both cases. These are the things you have to learn on your own, by interacting with others whose ancestors lived thru those times and stumbling upon restricted books in the library whose author was brave enough to write the facts. Elders, if your going to tell the story, tell it in it's entirety. Teach us about true human nature, both good and bad, so we can learn about ourselves as people and make our own decisions on how to live. Don't pump us with this heroic falsehood because all that does is teach kids that a)they'll never be good enough and b)only celebrate those whose success is greatly monetary.

So yes, I'm driven. I thrive to empower myself and develop mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm not ashamed to mention that I go to therapy or journal obsessively. Those outlets help me understand my character, how my emotions work, and why I do the things I do. Only knowledge and love will be important when I'm lying breathlessly on the brink of death. I won't ponder whether I should have stayed that extra hour at work or that my car insurance is due. Instead, I will be grateful for the people I've encountered over the years and bask in the glory of my own powerful soul. I will feel accomplished and ready to embark on the next chapter of my spiritual journey.

Sure, I have a great paying job in which I ROCK at and own a pretty car with a sunroof and V6 engine. I date hot chics and sex it up! I buy myself overpriced jewelry and decorate my skin with tattoos. I am working towards ownin a home so I have my own little space in the world. But these are not the things that will matter in the end. What drives me is acknowledged only by my mind and my accomplishments are celebrated quietly with those I choose to share them with. I have won every battle I've ever entered and I have plenty of fight left in me...

To do list.

2004-10-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

Condense the amount of clothes I have.
Pack all the things I won't need for the next 10 days.
Throw away anything remotely useless.
Start searching for a carpet cleaning company.
Beg friends to help me move on the 16th.

Did someone say harness?

2004-10-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

"Your mental and emotional pictures of things should be in agreement, helping you to develop a clear understanding of all sides of the issues, Jen. This is a great time for you to rationally analyze your emotions to help you understand why you are feeling the way you do. By applying intellectual understanding to the situation, you can learn how to harness your emotions much more effectively. Don't let this day slip by without spending a little time reflecting on this subject." -Astrocenter

Blog lag.

2004-10-05T08:49:00.000-05:00

My life, updated in 100 words:

Writing a book, have the outline and introduction of the first draft done.
Facing the core of my sex = intimacy issues in therapy.
Packing this week, I'm moving in with C on the 15th.
Acknowledging that I am a hypocrite in everything.
In the last month I’ve bought a new car, an emerald ring, and 3 new fragrances.
Accepting people for who they are and realizing that I can’t change them.
Played a scary Play station 2 game: Socom, and had a blast.
Making headway with my boss and actually enjoying work.
Reaching out to broaden my social circle.

Aries Love Profile

2004-10-01T15:34:00.000-05:00

Your positive traits:
You're quite the charmer. You've got the wit and attitude to attract almost anyone you meet.
Out spoken and honest, any date knows how they stand with you.
Fearless, independent, and willing to try anything twice - your dates should expect the unexpected.

Your negative traits:
You tend to be vain, and you expect your partner to feed that vanity often with complements.
Hot tempered and impulsive, you've occasionally ended things ... only to reget it later.
You're obsessed with being the best, most loved girlfriend or boyfriend your sweetie's ever had.

Your ideal partner:
A risk taking, free spirit like yourself - who can keep up with your latest wild child antics.
Someone stylish, attractive, and fit... who can keep you attracted for months.
Is hard to get - and lets you pursue things. You prefer to be the chaser, not the one being chased.

Your dating style:
Wild, unpredictable, fun, and daring. Your ideal date may involve a couple motorcycles or naked skydiving.

Your seduction style:
Honest and direct - you have no need for romance or much foreplay.
Show off. You like to show your lover how you're the best ever.
Ambitious. You often like to go all night - or aim for multiple orgasms.

Tips for the future:
Start to believe in second and third chances. You don't have to dump them so fast.
Savor the process. Sometimes the best part of falling in love is taking things in slow motion.
Let go of comparisons. If someone's with you, then you've already one. Stop worrying about exes.

Best place to meet someone online:
Match.com - honest and straightforward profiles, just how you like them!

Best color to attract mate: Red

Best day for a date: Tuesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Just one-a those daze.

2004-09-30T15:19:00.000-05:00

I feel like a desolate flower…bleak and fragile; with nothing to quench it’s thirst.

Sweet emails make me smile.

2004-09-29T12:11:00.000-05:00

This is an email between myself and Auna, a co-worker. For about a year now, I have isloated myself from my peers because of all the personal things I've gone thru. But recently I've been making an effort to be more social at work and because of that have finally become friends with those I have known for over 2 years. Now, I meet them for lunch everyday and we chat about ridiculious things. I feel more at home now. ANYWAY....here it goes.

Auna sent pictures to a group of us via email and it read: Remember my parent's flooded basement during that mad rush of mother nature? Well, here is the clean-up and we only have just begun.

My reply: Wow...was anything salvaged?

Auna: Yes....but did it STINK!!!

Me: I bet. Again, I had no idea...guess that's what I get for not being social! :o)
I'm sorry to hear about the disaster. ***I also just found out that Matt, another co-worker, was expecting his first child in less than a week...that sent a clear message to me that I really need to be more interactive here at work***

Auna: Thanks...hang around with us...and you get an ear full of excitement.

Me: Thanks Auna, I really appreciate how welcoming you have been to me. Guess after my mom died last year, I pretty much retreated into my shell...but with lots of encouragement from friends, I'm slowly emerging.

Auna: That’s AWESOME ! Yes, but you needed to grieve too…..I’m glad you have a good circle of friends as you don’t want to be in the dark tunnel forever. We are all waiting for you at the other end where there is light. I too am working on it….and I like being around people like you that don’t put others down…or if you do, it’s in such a nice way. I like Gloria for that too….she’s such a kind person…she helps me out a lot. Always know we are here for you…..OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's a sweetie and I'm glad I've taken the step to open up. :o)

and compassion prevails...

2004-09-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

Lately I've had many dreams of animals. All kinds. And have had this uncontrollable urge to work with horses. So today I emailed a co-worker who owns a horse and asked her if she knows of anyone willing to teach me how to work/care for them. Also, on a whim and a friendly suggestion, I sent for information about a veterinarian technician program at a local college. Perhaps my calling has always been to work with animals but I've chalked it up to just being compassionate towards them? I seem to understand their needs and because of this, they are drawn to me. My mom has always told me that I possess real animal magnetism...and she wasn't speaking of the obvious sexual reference. When I'm interacting with an animal, I am instantly filled with a deeper appreciation of life and all that inhabits this earth. Their souls are so pure, so wise, and extremely intuitive. I'm attracted to that. Who knows where this spontaneous idea will take me? All I know is that when I get feelings like this, I must pursue them.

Highway politics.

2004-09-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

While driving to work this morning, an interesting sight filled my vision. A head of me was an old rusted out blue ford pickup. You know the one, it's in every driveway of your local trailer park, with a cracked windshield and the rear view mirror missing. To complete this picture, the white male driver in his early 30's had a sandy blond mullet and a goatee. He was smoking what I assumed to be a Marlboro cigarette and driving rather self importantly. After about 2 miles or so, I noticed a "vote for G.W.BUSH" sticker on the right hand side of his back window. That was the icing on the cake. I smiled to myself and thought, what a perfect display of ignorant America.

Untitled.

2004-09-27T09:02:00.000-05:00

The moonlight saturated my dreams...yet I still remain in the dark.

Cell phone lady in the blue Passat, DRIVE!

I jacked off twice this weekend...YUM.

After writing a late night love letter to myself, I realized that I truly am amazing.

Boss, please don't ask me to do ANYTHING until AFTER I've had some caffeine.

Finally got a microwave and I've nuked every meal since.

Love songs on the radio make me think that the universe is whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

Played Super Mario Brothers: Lost Worlds and surpassed my own expectations.

Creamy coffee and a moist muffin is the BEST breakfast ever.

Went to my first MN Vixen game on Sat. It was very exciting!!

Autumn wraps itself around me like a colorful homemade afghan...slightly breezy yet all too comforting.

My wrist tattoo is healing in the most horrible crusty annoying way. I love it!

Unreturned phone calls make me sad.

Uh, who reads this bullshit anyway?

Fragrant poetry.

2004-09-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Breathless Black Angel
Allure White Diamonds
Escape Blue Nile
Be One Obsession
Cool Water Freedom
Desire Eternity Ske
Ocean Dream Horizon
Body Mind Spirit

Most flattering words of the day

2004-09-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

"Sweety...because you are absolutely gorgeous!!!!" stated by C in an email.

Curiouser and curiouser

2004-09-20T11:44:00.000-05:00

Today is likely to reflect a strong desire within you to obtain certain knowledge. There is something you need to know, Jen, something that might empower you to do something you've always wanted to do. Therefore you might want to spend as much of your day as possible doing research in order to obtain this piece of information. You might also think of travel, perhaps traveling to spiritually oriented places such as Egypt, Israel, India, or the British Isles.

grrunt

2004-09-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

There is no characteristic more frustrating than the STUBBORNNESS trait. I have it, my mother had it, my GF has it, my BFF has it, my Boss has it, and most of my friends have it. Can anyone please tell me how to remedy this disease we all carry neatly wrapped within our various personalities?

Antsee!

2004-09-17T13:28:00.000-05:00

Sure hope the HAC gets back to me about that pt job soon...before I change my mind about being a responsible ambitious person.

The Apprentice

2004-09-17T08:56:00.000-05:00

Week 2

blushing

2004-09-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

What the first letter of your name says about you:

(J) You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for
love-making, there is nothing to stop you, except maybe the stamina of
your partner.(you could have danced all night.) You respond to the
thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry
on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to
set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long-distance
relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love.
The sex act seems to satisfy a need to be nurtured deep within.

Thanks for sending this, A!

Whew!

2004-09-16T08:38:00.000-05:00

The application at the Art Center is in.
A fresh tattoo rests upon my arm.
My BFF and I are bonded once again.
A white chocolate mocha graces my lips.

I'm feeling perty damn good this morning.

Strangely sweet.

2004-09-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

I returned a call to a customer and his complaint was the wording on a claim letter. After about a 5 minute display of "customer rights", he softened his voice and said "Listen, I know it's company policy but it really offended my wife, she's a professional shopper, seriously, I'm not kidding." then he chuckled. For some reason this really tickled me. Here's this 30something tough guy, going to bat for his wife because she didn't want to talk to the big bad claims investigator.*shrug* guess ya had to be there...

A testiment of trust.

2004-09-15T16:01:00.000-05:00

I may be receiving a tattoo from A, my bestfriend, this evening. And she agreed that if she fucks it up, she'll buy me the coverup tat. Bring it on!! *grin*

Money money money

2004-09-15T13:58:00.000-05:00

After work tonite I'm going to fill out an application for a part-time job at a local Art Center. Starting pay is above average and it will be good experience for me to interact with artists from all walks of life. This place has a gallery, a theater, art classes, and many other community resources. Besides, one can ALWAYS use more money...especially when your trying to pay off a new car and acquire a downpayment for a new home.

Rainy day road trips...

2004-09-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

fill me with much content and hopeful aspirations.

Yesterday C and I drove down to Red Wing after work to survey the land. It rained most of the time we were tooling about but somehow that made it even more fun. Once in town, we had no destinations or time limits set so C took us into the hills of RW and we drove around looking at different neighborhood and house prospects.

There was one street that brought us directly to an enormous brick archway. At first we thought that it must lead to some millionaires house but as we got closer, we soon discovered that it was the entrance to RW's main cemetery. We looked at eachother and commented about it's grandeur then C drove right in. After looping around this old brick chapel building that looked like the kind they have in New Orleans were it's a resting place for all the cremated individuals, we found ourselves creeping up a narrow street which was surrounded by lushful greenery. It kinda reminded me of a haunted golf course. When we reached the top of the hill, there surrounding us were all the headstones in which were sectioned off by even smaller streets, complete with street signs...named after what I assumed to be local famous families. It was quite beautiful in a morbid way. The perfect setting for a new Stephan King novel. It wasn't long before reality set in and the hairs on our back stood up. Needless to say, we quickly found the exit as calmly as possible.

Once safe and sound in the comforts of seeing living people walking around, we continued on our way. There were houses we awe at and houses we shunned. Some were insanely over priced and some were intensely under rated. We noticed a lot of political signage around. You couldn't look in either direction of a street without seeing huge yard signs with local politians names blarring back at you. As a joke, C asked if I could live in a city were their local newspaper was called "Republican Eagle". Hm, I'm still pondering that.

It was easy to see why so many people thought it was similuar to Duluth. It's a very hilly river town therefore having beautiful overlooks and old historical trademarks. I could find myself quickly adapting to RW's way of life. There are many familar businesses and being a tourist town, there are also alot of little trinket shops. This lends many job possiblities. I've always wanted to work in a small bookstore or local queer owned coffee shop. Lucky me, there's one on main street!

As the afternoon turned into evening and our tummies started to rumble, we left Red Wing and headed over to Somewhere, WI. C had a place in mind for dinner so I just sat back and took in all that I have learned about RW. About 15 mins later we pulled up to this trailer (no kidding) which was set up like a ghetto A&W and got in a line at the drive thru. At first I was thinking, you've GOT to be kidding me. But I'm a risk taker and C seemed pretty excited about the menu so I gave it a shot. Besides, it was C's dollar...not mine. *grin*. They served broasted chicken, hamburgers, cheese curds, basically anything that can be grilled or deepfried within a small space. I, of course, went for the chicken meal and OMG it was DELICIOUS! We sat in the car under a huge metal awning and devoured our dinners. It was quite romantic, in a hick kinda way! After eating and laughing at ourselves for being oinkers, we started homeward...taking the scenic way of course. It was refreshing to be out of the city chaos, if only for a few hours. Now, all I keep thinking about is that I get to live there someday...

The Benefactor...

2004-09-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

My vote is for: Linda
She's an awesome chic with a funky east coast accent.

Rock on tuff grrl!!

Emotional challenges.

2004-09-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

I'm in love.
I feel loved.
So why do I always fall into tears when C and I get into normal healthy disagreements?
Well, I KNOW why...I fear abandonment. I'm afraid she'll throw up her hands and walk out of my life forever. This fear wasn't constructed by anything she's ever done or said because honestly, she's always been there for me...even when she should of high tailed it outta there. It comes from the deepest crevice of my childhood. All the adults in my life taught me that when you get mad or upset, you leave. Was this the lesson they were trying to convey...probably not. But as a human sponge of only 5 or 6, one can not tell the difference between action and emotion. They blend mysteriously into a swirl of unknown and then eventually, self blame. As I look back, it's easy for my logical adult mind to see the truth. However, my emotional spirit hasn't quite grown up yet so I constantly feel like I'm swimming upstream whenever there's conflict within my relationships. I personalize, overanalize, and emotionalize everything. Since I understand the core influence of my reactions when in conflict, why can't I control the exaggeration of the emotion which floods the situation? *sigh* Why can't I just be normal?

Braggin rights...

2004-09-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

I ROCK motherfuckers! Bought a nearly new car today. NO co-signers...little money down...and full manufacture bumper to bumper warranty still in place for another 3 yrs. It's all mine...mine mine MINE!

Stats:
2003 Ford Taurus SES
4 door Sedan
Metallic gold in color
V6 3.0 L
9450 miles
Sunroof
Spoiler
CD player
Power everything
Sweet sweet ride...

I know...you are all jealous!
Stay tuned till when I'm bitching about how much owning a car of this caliber...sucks! *grin*

Haunted by the past.

2004-09-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

In about an hour I will be wheelin and dealin with a local car salesman. That's right...testin my luck and my credit this morning so that I can eliminate the co-signer on my current loan. Hopefully my trade will be worth more than a headache. Wish me well!

9/11: please take a moment today to remember the victims and bless the survivors, yourself included...

You're Fired!

2004-09-09T09:56:00.000-05:00

The Apprentice (season 2) premieres tonite...
Wwwhoopee! I'm totally stoked!!!

Radio blurbs cause heartburn.

2004-09-09T09:41:00.000-05:00

story:
A 38 yr old man (somewhere in the US, I missed the location) was setting up to shoot 8 wk old Shepard puppies when one of the pups he was holding wiggled in his arms, placing it’s paw on the trigger of the rifle, and shot the man’s wrist. The man was sent to the hospital and will face criminal charges for animal cruelty. He told local authorities the reason he was doing it was because he couldn’t find homes for the pups.
my thought:
Talk about “natural” justice!

story:
During a song intermission a local DJ proudly brags about his newly furnished garden and instantly he was razzed about being gay…he declared he wasn’t. After a few more jokes about the issue and a comment from the female DJ stating, “we’re just teasing you”, she quickly followed up by saying…”not that there’s anything wrong with it”.
my thought:
Obviously a contradiction because a) if they felt there was nothing “wrong” with being gay or a straight man gardening, then it wouldn’t be used as a source of jest. And b) it’s okay for a female to be oh lets say a construction worker, but a male can’t create a beautiful garden? How I love our society.

story:
NASA’s hopes came crashing down yesterday when the (3 year - 264 million tax dollar) experiment hit the Earths surface at rushing speed. Apparently this genus-computerized robot was able to ingest data that would give our scientist a look into the birth of our universe, yet something as simple as a dysfunctional parachute whipped out most of the investment.
my thought:
Was this failure an act of god or merely wishful thinking of humans proved wrong?

That’s about all I could stomach…so I changed the channel.

Top 10 things I did/didn't do on vacation!

2004-09-07T13:36:00.000-05:00

Spent 3 days in Duluth, MN.
Shopped up a storm.
Ate smores by the campfire.
Drank a latte from my favorite north shore cafe.
Had palms read by a "real" psychic.
Took fun pictures of stupid things.
Played croquet with family.
Stayed up till dawn most nites playin games.
Spent time chillin with future roomies.
Fell further inlove with C.

Didn't watch a single movie.
Didn't eat any fastfood.
Didn't read a word from any books.
Didn't clean my apt.
Didn't get drunk.
Didn't sleep past 1pm.
Didn't overdraft my bank account.
Didn't wash my car.
Didn't spend time with friends I would have liked to.

Dream on...

2004-09-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

I have an interview next Tuesday at 5pm...in Red Wing! This gives me a week to prepare my resume and work out more housing issues. This goal appears to becoming more feasible as the time goes on. I'm totally psyched!

Dragon ass.

2004-09-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

Blasted night potions! Today I could be carried away by miniature multicolored trolls and thrown into a pot of boiling liquid gold...and I wouldn't have the slightest bit interest in any of it. My first day back at work and I am already in desperate need of a hammock tied tightly between two luscious palm trees...preferably nowhere near the Atlantic.(and I thought my problems were catastrophic...geesh!)

Someone please poke me with a red hot skewer...I'm done!

early hour thoughts

2004-09-05T02:54:00.000-05:00

"kissing is an upper persuasion for lower invasion" -unknown

I've come to the conclusion that most women have taken a hypocritical oath...at birth.
Myself included.
Examples:
Excessively proving independence yet constantly craving co-existence.
Desiring passionate romance however too selfishly insecure to create it.
Longing for perfect serenity but forever drawn to self induced drama.

Deny it if you will, but one can not ignore that it is your fingerprint blantly inked upon your life's chaotic hypocrisies. Claim your signature. Change your life.

Totally chillin.

2004-09-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

So I've been on vacation for about a year now...and I gotta say...I could totally live like this forever. There are four more days left and I'm hopin they go entirely s l o w. Well...turns out I'm not much of a blogger when in vac mode. So...I'm outta here.

That's what I'm sayin...

2004-08-26T15:32:00.000-05:00

Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)
It's all about cred for you right now. You might be worried about how other people see you, but there's not much you can do except stay true to yourself.

4 hrs 16 mins

2004-08-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

Holy fuckin shit. I can't stand it. This day is dragging out like a New York club in the Village.
I'm just about caught up at work. Just working on a final project which includes boring redundant copy/paste moves of the mouse. Then when I get home I have a couple loads of laundry to do, wash dishes, and pick up my apt. Don't want Gryphon to be embarrassed when his little friends show up "unexpected" to throw a house party while I'm gone. And as long as he cleans up their hairballs, brought on by too much drinking, I'll pretend I had no idea it even happened.

Also spendin some internet time looking up jobs in Red Wing. Gloria sent me a really cool link to search Minnesota jobs and I can narrow it down to that area. So far it appears that I could be a Soux Chief or a Nuclear Scientist...if I wanted. *grin* But I prefer something a little more low key. Oh well, I'll keep looking. Regardless of what happens career wise, I'll be just fine!

Piss and moan junkies.

2004-08-25T13:23:00.000-05:00

This goes out to all you lazy ass, depend on everyone else, whiney folks...

Hmmph!

2004-08-25T09:37:00.000-05:00

Ok totally had a long ass post and while attempting to publish, it was lost.
Damn it!

So I'll try to remember what I was ranting about. Oh yeah, something about the car was found and is in the process of being fixed. Please note that I said "the car" and not "my car". While I am solely financially responsible for the vehicle, we have not bonded emotionally therefore eliminating any "ownership" feelings within me. Drama! Annnyway, good news is that the warranty I bought covers the replacement starter (with a $100 deductible of course), which saves me about $150 or more. Overall, the total cost is about half of what I expected so I'm pretty pumped about that. Finally, a flash of good luck! The chic at the dealership said it should be done by this afternoon but I’m not holding my breath.

Tomorrow is my last day for 10 friggin work free days! That’s right, I’m taking well-deserved vacation. Need to clear my mind and unclog my emotional receptors. One main mind thumper is the whole Red Wing move. As the topic progresses from “wouldn’t that be awesome” to the “what needs to happen in order to get it done”, I am finding myself in only one dilemma. Do I keep my current well paying job but face 2 hrs of commuting to and from work everyday or do I find something down there, take the lower income hit but have more personal time? Both scenarios include certain risks so I’m going to take some alone time this next week and really consider all possibilities. So far, I’m thinking I’ll just suck it up and commute until something I’ll like becomes available in RW. I was talking it over with Gloria, my co-worker, sweet lady, and she gave me her personal information to use as a job/personal reference. She said “Hey, since you’re off for a week, perhaps you can set up an interview or 2 in RW.” What a wonderful idea! She’s awesome. If I do end up leaving this job, I’ll miss her the most.

Ok, enough about that for now. Back to the present. This weekend I’m taking a 3-day 2 night camping trip in Duluth. If the fresh crisp Northern air doesn’t cleanse my spirit, I don’t know what will. Then for the rest of my time, I’ll probably take a couple road trips south to investigate Red Wing further. Visit C’s family in Spring Valley so we can plan our October trip to Branson, Missouri. And I will spend my final vacation day’s veggin and doin whatever the hell I wanna do! The best part about all this is that my vacation will be spent worry free because of the effort I’ve put into these last couple months to clean up my finances. For me, that’s cause for fucking celebration…believe you me!

Well better get back to work before I get fired and have to live in my car, eating cold canned beans and dried Chinese noodles.

Panicking!

2004-08-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

Dude! Where's my CAR?!

Had it towed lastnite from my home parking lot because it's totally shot. Won't start. And it was supposed to be delivered to the Hyundai dealership in my city. Well I called this am to check the status of my hunk of junk and they can't find the vehicle. It's not in their lot. So I called the tow company and they say...oh yes, we dropped it off at such and such location. THE WRONG PLACE!! You see, I have free roadside assistance, courtesy of the expensive extended warranty I bought on the damn thing. But in order to have free towing, the car HAS to be delivered to a Hyundai dealership. No body works, no auto care centers, no back yard mechanics. Sure, it all ends up costing me the same as if I DID pay for towing because we all know that dealerships rob ya blind but at this point in the game, I'm pretty much being raped already so I may as well get a "free" perk out of the deal. Anyway, now I'm sitting here at work, trying to mediate between these two companies and both jack asses on the other end of the phone talk down to me like it's my fault(ya stupid grrl!)no one can find the damn car. Those fuckin grease monkeys better either find it fast or hope it was stolen and totalled completely...ARRRGGGGG!

I said goodbye.

2004-08-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

This weekend I said goodbye to all the foolish lies and dirty deceit which plagued my heart and injured my integrity. While being faced with a belated truth of a past betrayal, the reflection I saw in the mirror was just as guilty as the others who I deemed disloyal. I could not allow myself to be so hypocritical. How could I judge the act of others when I too have committed the same crime? The only answer to all this emotional dismay was to confess my own sins to the one I was unfaithful too. And I did. I hung my head in shame while swallowing my pride and set the truth free. Of course I was intensely scared of all the possible consequences provoked by my confession, but it had to be done. Not only for the purity of my own soul...but also to initiate the healing of certain relationships which are wounded.

I can no longer live with dishonesty. I can no longer tolerate mistrusting those whom I am supposed to rely on the most. I can no longer be a hypocrite by expecting from others what I cannot follow myself. So, I said goodbye. Goodbye to those who continuously choose to live without integrity or compassion. Good bye to all without self respect or respect for others. Goodbye to all my own demons of insecurity and the chaos they create. Good bye to ill-spoken words. Untold truths. Selfish intentions. Backstabbing. Secret keeping. Lack of loyalty. Good bye to all dark energies. I will no longer hide in the corner if I make a mistake and hope it goes away. For I am dedicated to face my flaws, my humanly mistakes, with the courage of a lion and the strength of an elephant.

Though this isn't a new declaration, as I've been working on this for some time, yesterday I have finally cleared up the last of all which was dishonest within me. And as much as it tore out my heart to express the truth to both the one whom I have hurt and the one who has hurt me, all that pain in my soul was worth the calm which has evenly replaced it. Also, it's important for me to mention that I am extremely lucky to be blessed with a lover who has a forgiving heart. I have learned so much about the goodness of humanity thru her and she inspires me to be the best I can be in every endeavor I acquire throughout my existence. Without even knowing it, she has challenged me to learn the difference between forgiveness and being played a fool. And I for one can never pass up a challenge, especially one which serves to mature my spirit.

I'm fuckin out of here!!!

2004-08-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I'll move down to Red Wing myself and wait until C can join me.

bLaH!

2004-08-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

Shit
Fuck
GodDamn
Motherfucker
Cocksucker
Bitch
Cunt
Asshole
Is this day over yet?!

New pics!

2004-08-19T11:08:00.000-05:00

Click here to view the recent pics I've added to my website.
Warning...they are pretty cheezy! *grin*

Meanwhile in Athens...

2004-08-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

Swimmers and Gymnasts and Softball Players, Oh My! *hot hot hot*
Olympic Medal Count

Uh, we won't talk about "The Dream Team".

Time for a trade in.

2004-08-17T08:54:00.000-05:00

My car SUX! It's a 2000 Hyundai Elantra and in the year I've had it...it's died multiple times in both winter and summer months, taken in for repairs but the problem persists, the windshield was replaced and I've bought new tires. With a year left on my loan...I am seriously considering cleanin that bad boy up and headin to the dealership sometime very soon. To continue paying for an unreliable vehicle is absolutely ridiculous. And no more fuckin foreign cars either unless it's a Toyota or Honda. My Chevy never gave me trouble. I had that car for 3 1/2 years and the most I put into it was $300 (that includes oil changes, windshield wipers, and a new altinater).

SO anyway...movin on.

The prospect to move to Red Wing, MN has been placed before me. It's about an hour south of the Twin Cities. This is merely in the talking stages but after some serious thought and conversations with Apryl and C, I've decided that when the time comes, I'm going. There's nothing in the cities which I'm rooted to and as long as I can keep my current job, hell I'd be set! Still have some matters to clear up first but my guess is that within this next year...I'll be in a new town with my ever growing family. I'll write more about this as it progresses. For now...back to work.

Right on!!!

2004-08-13T10:43:00.000-05:00

Anyone wanna go camping in New Jersey?

2004-08-13T09:22:00.000-05:00

I'll be super impressed with those who actually "get" that question.

What's on the weekend agenda. Well let's see. Tonite I'm hangin out with A and we're going to the leather shop and price material for the floggers we plan on making. I'm going for colbalt blue suede fringes with a midnite blue leather handle accented with golden threads. Makes me tremble just thinking about it. Then we're seeking out fabric shops so I can start planning my velvet/silk jewel toned quilt. There are a couple online that I want but they cost well over $300 for Queen. T is pretty handy with a sewing machine and has made plenty quilts in her time so she's going to help me make one for around $50. Score! So yeah, typical grrls nite out...

Tomorrow I'm hangin with C. During the day I'm going to help her spend some gift certificates she's been holdin on to since Christmas. How the hell she lasted this long without using them is beyond me. Shit, I'm out the door the second a GC is placed in my hand! We're also going to Mynards and Homodepo to check out paint samples. We're going to paint our rooms within the next few weeks or so. She's going for a light maroon in her bedroom and I'm searching for a brilliant blue hue for my living area. Also need to do some measuring around the house because I have some big pieces of furnature and a little staircase to carry it up thru. Not sure what we are doing during the evening hours but I'm sure she'll entertain me regardless. *grin*

This brings me to Sunday. Normally my day of rest. However I have been summoned to a wedding shower for straight people I've never met, who happen to be C's kin. What does one bring to such an event? A gift? Food? Money? Anything? Nothing? And how should I dress? Can you tell I'm a bit nervous? Never been to a wedding shower before (damn I sound so deprived) nor have I met most of the people I'll be meeting on Sunday. I'm sure I'll be fine. C's folks and sister will be there and they are very social, fun loving people. Her parents always have a way of making me feel like part of the family. In fact, last year at a winter birthday celebration, her dad offered me rum filled chocolates and laughed at the face I made while eating it. Can't feel more accepted than that! Which reminds me...I still owe him for that!

Yesterday's horoscope.

2004-08-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

"This is a good day to stay close to home, Jen. Short-distance travel could result in delays due to traffic jams or construction, or both; long journeys might bring delays in taking off, horrendous lines at the ticket counter, or misplaced luggage. There's also a chance that when you arrive at your destination, no one will be there to meet you! Wait a few days before going anywhere. If you must run errands nearby, walk!"

Spooky but not surprizing.

Let's play pretend!

2004-08-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

Bambi and Muffy met at a bar.
And after a quick hello, Bambi threw Muffy on the bed.
She quickly ripped off Muffy's Matel dress, strapped her down, and ravaged her (careful not to break a nail).

Suddenly, these two hot cops barge thru the door.
Noticing the plastic chics on the bed, Lock (on the left)
and Stock (on the right) pulled out their hand cuffs and joined the party.

To be continued...

One step closer...

2004-08-12T08:56:00.000-05:00

to buying the house of my dreams. Yesterday I started an affordable repayment plan on my student loan (which was making a fuss on my credit report) and in 1 year with this program, the loan will be working for me and not against me. The chic I spoke with was extremely informative and very respectful. We went over my finances and came up with the best payment that fit my situation. OMG, you have no idea how relieved I am. That was a 9000 lb monkey lifted from my back in less then 30mins. Hurray for me! Starting Nov 1st I'm also starting a plan to pay off the rest of my debts...which within a yr should be completely eliminated. Looks like I'll be pretty damn close to that 30th birthday goal after all! Fuck Yeah!! I deserve it!

Seriously dude...

2004-08-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

I have a MAJOR hard on right now because Kenny G is playin on my radio...
YUMMMMMMMM!

Pulling hair out.

2004-08-11T09:19:00.000-05:00

OMFG! I hate traffic. It's usually about a 30 min commute from home to work every morning. Not today, motherfuckers, no. Today it took an hr and 15 mins. Why? Oh, no reason really...other then the fact that people suck and construction blows ass. Ended up going 20 miles out of my way in order to make it to work in a half way decent time. Of course, I was 1/2 hr late. Every fuckin road I was on had either an accident or was blocked off with those orange dunce hat coney things. Almost had to pull over because my stupid car just about over heated from idling so damn much. Gezzus! Road rage was certainly on my mind. No doubt about it!

Ok, now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to enjoy some sweet coffee and an apple muffin.

Oh, one more thing...

*AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH*

End of August.

2004-08-10T09:20:00.000-05:00

Ah yes. The end of this month promises big things. First of all, I am on vacation starting the 27th thru the 6th of Sept. It's about damn time! Haven't had a week off in like a year. I'm kickin it off with a weekend get away to Duluth with 3 of my favorite people. We are going to party like rock stars while camping at a KOA in a dinky fake log cabin for 3 whole days! Since I misunderstood the Duluth Pride schedule, don't ask, the grrls promised me they'd dress up like my favorite Pride heros and prance around the campground in flared style. Last weekend we even picked out the outfits. Should cause some ruckess...SWEET!

Then when I get back into town, I'm handing in a 60 day notice to my landlord. That's right. Good bye apartment dwelling and hello roommate yelling. Yep, I'm leaving my one bedroom apt to share a house with C and her roommate Steve. Gryphon and I get the entire furnished attic which consists of 2 rooms, free satelite hookup, free phone hookup, and plenty of storage. Also, I get free laundry and computer access. It's actually a terrific deal because I'll be saving $200 from what I spend now just to "live" each month. Moving was a very hard decision to make and I pondered it for some time. After all is said and done, it's the most practical decision for me because I'm not getting ahead financially. My goal, for many years, has been to buy my own house (or my partner and I buy a house together) by the time I'm 30. Well folks, that's like less then 2 years away and the only thing I have going from me is my car payment. Saving that much money a month gives me the opportunity to pay off my debts and start a savings account for the down payment. Can't guarentee that I'll be ready by my 30th birthday but I'll certainly be on my way.

As far as how I'll spend the rest of my vacation, well, I plan on raising as much hell as possible. Probably hit RenFest, the State Fair, perhaps even a vistit to ValleyFair, and whatever else trips my trigger. Oh, and anyone who'd like to join me in this chaos is more than welcome! *smile*

Grrr Baby!

2004-08-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

Tonite I'm headed downtown to check out Lori Dokken and "The Girls" at The Times Bar. Lori is a fabulous musician and a pretty damn hot dyke too! Wouldn't mind being a key on her piano! *smirk* Should be a blast! Never been there before so the hard part is figuring out what the hell I'm going to wear. Do I do "butchy"? "femme"? "casual"? "dressy"? "butchy dressy"? "femme casual"? Guess it doesn't matter much considering I'm foxy either way! *Whoa!* Was that a flash of vanity I just saw in the mirror?!

Processor on the fritz.

2004-08-09T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like your brain is a mushy mass of indescribable garble? Great...then you can relate to what I'm tryin to work with this am. Things are just floatin around up there aimlessly and the files I need in order to focus on the task at hand are lost somewhere under the stacks of unfiled paperwork and porn. Can't decide what I need more, a housekeeper or a mechanic? Perhaps a house cleaning repair chic. In a butch version of a french maid's outfit. With a black feather dusty. And a torn greasy jean jacket. With slicked back sweaty hair. *dreamy music*

DAMN IT! Another paper jam...

Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)

2004-08-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

You've got passions that haven't even been named yet. Get out there and see if you can find a gang of like-minded weirdos who'll make you feel like you've come home.

Could that BE more true?!

FINALLY!

2004-08-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

Geesh! Thought Friday was never going to get here.
Any way, on with the show! Right now I'm greedily enjoying a chocolate cookie (homemade: complements of Auna, our department admin.) and an ice cold frappuccino (a bribe from our boss). It's a damn good thing I'm against dieting! *grin*

This weekend looks promising. Tonite I'm house sitting with C for a friend of hers. The homo-owner chic has 2 dogs, 2 cats, and turtle. Apparently she used to have a pot belly pig but someone in the neighborhood called animal control. Guess it's illegal to own one in the city. Can't imagine why.

Later in the nite, we are invited to join Nat and her crew at the drive-in. I haven't been to a drive-in in years! Last time I went, this chic I just started dating (ok, I'm callin you out Nat!) fell asleep mid way thru the first movie and slept until we the credits of the 3rd film. *grin* I still give her shit about it till this day. That's what ex-grrlfriends do!

Sat is pretty much undecided. Perhaps during the early hrs I'll check out a couple garage sales. Nothing like buyin other peoples junk! A, T, C and I will def hang out in the eve and I've invited a couple other folks to join us, but we really don't have an agenda. Bowling? Dancing? Arcade? Midnite skinny dippin? Whatever the case, I'm sure we'll get into lots of trouble...um I mean...have lots of laughs.

And Sunday is the day I'll be veggin. God how I love to just lounge around the house and chill on the last day of the weekend. Finally got my SuperNintendo set up so I'm sure there will be long hrs of Donkey Kong Country. I know...it's an old system and an old game. But hey, I'm an old kid of the 80's, it's expected!

Game nite!

2004-08-05T09:47:00.000-05:00

I totally stoked! A and C are comin over to my lil pad tonight and we're gonna chow on some pizza, drink carbonated beverages, and play silly board games. Yeah baby!! The invites open so if you can't resist the fun...drop me an email and I'll send you my address. Wait, that sounds a tad bit like a something a prostitute would say. *Shrug* Well if the garter belt fits...tear it off baby! *yeehaw*

Ok, I have a complaint!

2004-08-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

What's up with folks who engage in friendly conversation with you via email and then disappear. Everyone says, "I love meeting new people" yet no one wants to continue communications unless you start cyberin or something tacky. I'm attempting to broaden my horizons so I've have initiated emails with many strangers but all seem to poop out on me within a week. Am I the problem? Am I too weird? Demanding? Bold? Boring? Stupid? What?? Seriously, I'm starting to feel as if no one really wants "just friendship". Aren't there any dykes out there in computer land who appreciate growing email friendships? Perhaps I'm barkin up the wrong tree and just need to hang out at bars like every other lesbo I know. Or I need to hibernate and interact only with my girlfriend. Damn, first I need to get a girlfriend. Lets face it, I'm a computer geek and chattin online with friends and new acquaintances has always been a form of entertainment to me. Just wish I didn't feel so rejected by it. God, I sound pathetic! "Be my email friend...PLEASE!!" lmao!

Come out come out where ever you are!

2004-08-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

Where have all the bloggers gone? (sang in Paula Cole's voice)
Seriously, I am stuck here behind this computer for the better part of 5 hours today and have nothing new to read. What do you all expect me to do...read the local newspaper online or CNN or actually work?! Hello people...your KILLIN me here!!!

Boss is gone!

2004-08-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

And I'm leaving for an appt at 3. Life is good!

Lost but not defeated.

2004-08-02T11:13:00.000-05:00

MN Vixens lost their season opener to Indiana Speed 14-12.
Bummer.
Least it wasn't a shut out.
Way to work it babes in gear!
Perhaps the home opener will prove more successful.

Monday morning gargle

2004-08-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

...ick, I swallowed some mouthwash!

Here we are, another Monday morning. Woke up to thunder and lightning...perfect! I wanted to hide under my dragon comforter and pretend that the alarm wasn't going to go off in 5 mins. and that work was nothing but a scary nightmare. But alas, I had to get up.

My ex boss, Jodi, just came over and displayed her very first tattoo to me. Now now, relax, it was on her ankle. She was so excited, just had it done on Saturday. It's 2 baby footprints that represent her two children. Good for her! You go suburban soccer mom!

Seein that fresh black ink upon puffy red skin leaves me with an urge to get tattooed myself. There's a beautiful image of a Phoenix I've been dying to get. As soon as I get the funds, she'll be flyin free upon my upper outter left thigh. Of course, there has also been recent talk about an entangled dragon/tiger combo between Apryl and I. Placement is incredibly important so that artistic adventure is in it's blueprint stage.

Oooo...a song that completely penetrates my soul is on the Slow-Jazz radio station. Listening to it is like having a mental orgasm followed by emotional kisses. Wow, I am left breathless and exhausted. Whew...I need a cigarette!

Now I must venture into the world of reports and queries. In order to endure this daunting task, I must first fill my veins with creamy sweet brown caffeine and while I wait for it to brew, I'm simply going to sit here and stare at the computer screen, fantasizing about being tattooed naked in a thunderstorm while slow jazz blares from a soaked live band.

Fascinating facts:

2004-07-30T14:21:00.000-05:00

Once In A Blue Moon

Definition: A Blue Moon is the second Full Moon in a single calendar month.*

There was a Full Moon on 2nd July at 11:09 (GMT)
There is a Full Moon tomorrow at 18:05 (GMT)
So tomorrow's Full Moon is a Blue Moon.
Blue Moons are rare, hence the phrase "once in a Blue Moon" meaning 'not very often'.
Blue Moons are rare because Full Moons are 29½ days apart, which is only just shorter than a month of 30 or 31 days.
There cannot be a Blue Moon in February because it's too short.
There are more Blue Moons in October, August and July than in any other months.
Blue Moons happen roughly every 2½ years. That's about 41 times a century.
The last Blue Moon was on 30th November 2001, and the next two will be on 30th June 2007 and 31st December 2009.
Very occasionally there are two Blue Moons in a year. This happens where there is no Full Moon in February. This last happened in 1999 and 1961, and will next happen in 2018 and 2037.
Very very occasionally the Moon really does look blue. This is a different sort of Blue Moon. The blue colour is caused by dust or smoke thrown high in the Earth's atmosphere by, for example, major volcanic eruptions like Krakatoa, Mount St Helens or Mount Pinatubo.
A special message to readers in Australia, New Zealand and the Far East: you don't have a Blue Moon this month. Tomorrow's Full Moon falls just after your midnight, which therefore becomes the full Moon in August. So you lot have a Blue Moon on 30th August instead.
For much more information about Blue Moons check out this website, including a Blue Moon Calculator.* Be aware that the generally-accepted definition of a Blue Moon (the second Full Moon in a month) isn't traditional at all and was actually invented by a journalist 60 years ago. The magazine in question has apologized for its error. Proper history here.
Blue moon, you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own. Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for, you heard me saying a prayer for, someone I really could care for. Bom, bom bom bom, bom bom, bom bom bom. Bom bom, bom bom bom, a dang, a dang dang dang. A ding a dong ding. Blue moon!

I copied this entire text from: http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.com/

Fall line up.

2004-07-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm totally psyched about these up-coming shows!

The Apprentice (season 2)
Father of the Pride
Blue collar TV

Dude, where's my remote?

Dyn-o-mite!

2004-07-30T08:43:00.000-05:00

What a splended Friday morning! Woke up on the right side of the bed with a fairly decent nite's sleep under my belt. Of course, my dreams were rather "interesting" so when I'm finished postin, I'll probably do a little research. When I left the house in causal style, I was greeted in the parking lot by my dear C. She gifted me with a smile, hug, and warm wishes for the day. What a pleasant surprise! Traffic was smooth sailing. Even got to work a tad bit early so I used that time to pick up an OJ and a breakfast burrito. Now, I'm just sittin back and running reports and waiting for the coffee to finish brewin.

I've been invited for a taco dinner at C's house this eve. Should prove to be delicious! After that I'll probably borrow a few movie flicks from her and chill at home tonite.

Tomorrow I have a lunch date with Judy, Nat's mom. I haven't seen her in quite awhile so I'm really looking forward to catching up. It'll be nice to endulge in motherly love for a couple hrs.

Tomorrow eve, I'll probably jolt over to A's house and see what she's up to. Hopefully T's feeling better. Can't keep a good bitch down, aye T?? I'm open for suggestions on what to do this nite!!

Sunday I'll most likely check out the softball games in St. Paul...after a lazy morning filled with coffee of course!

Speakin of coffee...

Me, Myself, and Ideas.

2004-07-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

Recently, I been thinking a lot about what I stand for, what are my beliefs and values? So in order to fully understand them, I decided I would "talk them out" if you will. Some things I'm about to list may offend some readers, some may cause controversy amongst friends, and some will even provoke folks to question their own ideas. However, all are my personal opinion and I am not in any way, shape, or form suggesting that this is the way everyone should live nor will I apologize for having such convictions. This is merely a snap shot into the core of my soul, showing the things that create the entity that is MYSELF.

I believe that NO ONE has the right to take the life of another or self. This includes abortion, the death penalty, suicide, mercy killings, or any other "life" taking action. I trust that there is a natural order to life and if we place our own life value above that of another or if we end our own life for whatever reason, we are endangering our own spiritual growth. To me, this is not a religious or legal debate, but one that comes directly from the heart.

I believe that animal abuse should be taken more seriously and those who desert, neglect, abuse, harshly train, or treat animals cruel in any way should be held accountable in a strict manner. Perhaps they should be made work in a vet clinic or preservation so they learn compassion and respect for these beautiful creatures. Also, circuses should be outlawed! That is not the natural behaviors of those animals.

I believe that sexuality is a far more varied than the basic 3 (heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual) society has settled on. Sex, when between consensual adults, should be honored and respected no matter the gender or preference. No sexuality is more or less important; we are all humans with a great capacity to love and the only thing we should be concerned with is safety and prevention of STD's, AIDS, etc. Also, along this topic, I believe that same sex marriage should be legalized. If two people want to get married, go for it! Who is anyone, including the government/the Pope, to say it's unethical, immoral, bla bla bla? Why can't everyone have the right to be part of the 50% divorce rate!?

I believe that our society's priorities are incredibly screwed up by means of our financial distribution. Why are we paying sports stars and movie/TV celebrities more then we pay Health Care Professionals, Education Professionals, or any other career which help others achieve their fullest potential? While folks pay to sit on their asses and watch these celebrities make millions of dollars per game/episode/movie; there are children without food, people without homes, illnesses going un-medicated, and so forth. And if we are going to pay such prices to athletes, for example, then all athletes (both male, female, transgender, etc.) should be paid equally. In fact, that goes for all careers! Enough with this “boy’s club”, “It’s a man’s world” shit!

I believe that aliens exist. In fact, I think that we are decedents from aliens that may have transported here long ago. Think about it. Humans are the only species on this planet that have to “create” our environment. We have to make our clothes, build our shelters, etc. Animals are obviously natives to Earth because they blend into their surroundings. They are “dressed” for whatever climate they live in and have suitable housing, which accommodates their families. We need to destroy the Earth in order to make it a “home” while they simply inhabit it. I just can’t believe that Earthlings are the only life force in this gigantic universe. Especially since we are so ignorant to our own planets needs. I could go on and on about this one…but you get the idea.

This is just the start of “what hides beneath Jen’s eyes”. I’m going to end it here and save some things for others to discover on their own. Happy thinking!

My friends are too much!

2004-07-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is an excerpt from an email I received from my dear friend, Nat.

"Girl, I just wanted to say that I wish you were a few years older. I found the coolest woman for you! But she is soon to be 51 years old...she's a weirdo, just like you!"

hhahahah!

Stroke me, stroke me...

2004-07-28T11:12:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's about all I feel like sayin!

Crumbling bricks.

2004-07-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

Lastnite I crashed a hole thru my internal wall and let someone take a quick peak inside. Of course, I blocked it right away with a 2X4 and made sure that the cement mixture was available for immediate re-patching. However brief the encounter, I can't deny it's impact on the very isolated inner child that hides behind the bricks.

Dear Mutha Farkle,

2004-07-27T08:55:00.000-05:00

Here's some of my bitches, as in gripes.
I know you can't make them go away but atleast hear me out!

*Male drivers in big trucks/ sports cars who try to dominate the road.
*Skinny people who constantly claim they're too fat.
*Doctors who make you wait 45 mins in the lobby, for your 30 min exam.
*Politicians who say "support me" then turn around and veto everything you've voted for.
*People who show no originality.
*Folks who think they can sing, get up in front of a karoke machine, and squeal.

Go ahead, share some of your ass pains!

More personal Q&A's.

2004-07-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

1. What/Whom makes you "tick"? Creativity/ My friends.
2. What is most special about you & why? I’m spiritually aware.
3. What good things make you cry? Sincere words
4. What bad things make you cry? Deception
5. Do you think it's a bad thing to be emotional? No, but it should be balanced with logic.
6. Which is better: friendless and happy, or popular and lonely? Friendless and happy.
7. Why do you feel you think the way you do? Because I’m unique.
8. What was the most terrible event in your life? Family betrayal.
9. What was the happiest event in your life? Watchin my sister being born.
10. List one situation when you felt your life was complete? When I was 22.
11. List one situation when you felt your life was a disaster? When I was 14.
12. If/when you have a love life, what is your favorite part about it? Cuddling.
13. In your definition, what is a friendship? A gift that should never be taken for granted.
14. In your definition, what is a relationship? Devotion between two stary-eyed lovers.
15. If you're a Christian, why do you think God lets bad things happen to you? Free will.
16. What is your dream in life? I aspire to have a loving, healthy family.
17. What drives you to be successful? My self love.
18. How far would you go to make someone you love, happy? As far as it takes.
19. What things would you NOT do to make them happy? Anything that goes against my morals.
20. If your friend asks you to do something that seems ridiculous, would you do it b/c you love them? Depends, see above answer.
21. How do you feel when your friend says: "you don't really know me"? Ashamed / Left out.
22. If you've been betrayed/backstabbed, have you forgiven the person yet? Some yes, some no.
23. Do you still face rejection? Where? Yes, internally.
24. What is your "safe" area when you're hurting/mourning? My bed cuddlin with Gryphon.
25. What/Whom comforts you when you feel like you can't go on anymore? A friends embrace.
26. Why are you the way you are? Still investigating that one…

Feel free to copy/paste this list in your journal!

Things that make you go "Hmmmm!"

2004-07-26T15:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.jimboren.com/stupid.jpg
http://gotothetop.blogspot.com/

No wonder!

2004-07-26T11:44:00.000-05:00

This was my horoscope for today!

"What's worse: to risk embarrassment, or to always wonder what might have been?
Your feelings are all wiggly and you might get upset too easily. It's because there's some deep emotions trying to make their way to the surface, so let it all hang out. " -Astrology.com

A blah entry.

2004-07-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my mom's birthday...and I gotta tell ya, this has been one fuckin hell of a week. Only 6 days between her death date and her birth date, christ I'm so emotionally drained. I cried off and on yesterday. I miss her terribly. Even those moments when she pissed me off so utterly that I could have easily broken everything within 10 feet of my reach. This grief is eating at my soul like an insatiable homeless dog. Not sure how much more I can take.

My dreams are becoming more and more vivid with underlining emotional quakes. Although the nightly tales are rather amusing...the price of admission is Sleep. I wake up very tired and unfocused.

On a positive note...this weekend I interacted with every single woman I've ever shared anytime with. It felt great to have confirmation that I am loved by some, cared for by most, and remembered by all.

How times have changed...

2004-07-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

my blogger. I was just lookin at my profile (because I'm a vanity queen) and realized that I've been bloggin since Sept 2003. I remember the first couple weeks...god, I was such a blog virgin and the simplicity of my little space in this wwworld certainly showed that. *sigh* I'm so proud of how much my lil blog has grown in 10 short months! *tearin up*

Someone please educate me.

2004-07-23T10:34:00.000-05:00

I don't understand polygamous relationships. Doesn't anyone believe in traditional monogamy anymore? I find that with my generation and younger this is becoming quite the way of life. Call me old fashioned but isn't it difficult to achieve true intimacy with more than one person? Believe me, I've had my share of flings, romances, and non-traditional sexual experiences so I'm not completely closed-minded when it comes to these sorta encounters. Guess my instinctual reaction is to think that those who desire many partners are afraid of commitment. Perhaps it's a way to keep themselves distant from others. Or are they simply the kinda folks that believe the grass is aways greener in other pastures. Does this mean that these people will never settle down with one person? Will they continuously crave the touch of many? What is it that determines whether a person is more monogamous or polygamous? I'd honestly like to understand it so anyone that has feedback...please share!

"I'm melting..."

2004-07-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

"...what a world...what a world" The Wicked Witch of the West

*Yawn*
Woke up late this morning and as my co-working Gloria said "Bet you never even made it to the closet...you just had to suck the clothes outta there as you were whippin by." hahah. Thought that was cute in that Grandma kinda humor.

I have a date tonite! I'm pretty excited about it. We're gonna be grrls and hit the MOA. Probably grab dinner at the food court, do a little shoppin, and then ride a couple rides in Camp Snoopy. I'm stoked!

Tomorrow I'm helpin a couple friends with their garage sale. Trying to think of things I can sell to but I have a very hard time parting with my stuff. I'm totally a hoarder! Perhaps after a ruff day in the sun with folks yellin at us to change the price from a dime to a nickle, we'll hit the bar! I could use a few cold brewskees!

Sunday will be my day to sleep in. After a quick meeting with B in the early afternoon, I'll probably end up chillin at home or hangin out with C. I'm thinkin a dollar movie is in the works!

Vampire dream analysis...From Apryl

2004-07-22T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well first off I think that you feel as if you are surrounded by EMOTIONAL vampyers and so your dream manifested them into real vampyers, that you feel as if you must defend yourself and your loved ones from constant attacks...

Your key to success in your life has always been your relationship success and every time you feel as if you are getting close to having that "Husband" (which I think represents your GRAY sexuality) again those emotional vampyers come back to take away what you have strived for, again you feel as if you must defend what you have and defend your actions that led you to this, I myself have even been one of your emotional vampyers...*sorry* and yourself has been, what I think, your biggest vampyer.

The permanet markings, I feel is a symbol of what you really want..a relationship that is forever and will end in marriage that will last a life time...it also represent some of your untradtionalness about what can and can not be a symbol of lasting love.

I also think that the DOG in some way represents you more on a spiritual level and the contrast between black and white represents what you are going through right now, kind of dark things like Mom, B, C, and all the drama and grieving that comes with that; and the white pup represents the you that you want and will become, it was represented young because you will feel as if you will be completely starting over, but the black older dog will be there to guide the new pup if needed.

The death of your husband represents one of your biggest fears..having everything you want and it being taken away from you with out warning or consulting what you want..equally you being alone...also a long those lines you may feel that as soon as you get almost there with "Someone" some unknown force interrupts it and you feel defeated, confused, and left to mourn once again.

DUDE, you totally blow me away with your dream interpretations...
My Dream Goddess!

I want to be...

2004-07-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

smothered in kisses
brought fresh cut flowers
standing at the edge of the Grand Canon
washed under a rushing water fall
blindfolded and shaved
covered in chocolate and licked clean
painted naked
embraced firmly
escorted hand in hand into the ocean
on my knees in from of my lover
cherished
made breakfast in bed
the only one
dressed in satin
tickled with a rose
shackled with leather cuffs
free of fear and shame
flogging my lovers bare back
skydiving above the Colorado plains
dancing in the cool rain
praying next to a monk in Buddhist temple
forgiven
lying on my back in thick green grass
counting the stars
searching for a hidden treasure
picking up seashells from a sandy beach
in a hot air balloon in New Mexico
drinking a latte in an Italian cafe'
drifting in a canoe
collecting autumn leaves
laughing until my belly aches
showered with affection
driving across country in an SUV
standing at my lovers door wearing only a smirk
safe from the world
held accountable for my actions
graced with undying love
sitting around a campfire
sleeping in a hammock
spooned
told a naughty bed time story
hugged by my bestfriend
flirted with
in a Paris hotel overlooking the city
respected completely
sipping wine in a fancy restaurant
anywhere but here...

Lie hoarders beware!

2004-07-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

This truthfinder is more than obsessed with clarifying all the energy which surrounds your vicious deceit. I could easy exploit your precious hidden secrets but I shall refrain for it would only spill your toxins into my soul. It's not my job to save those whom you've tainted but know that I won't stop searching for answers until my own conscious is cleared of your false tales. This comes not from the heart of a jaded lover but a woman who has found the strength to spread her wings and fly far away from the madness that is dishonesty.

My vampire husband.

2004-07-21T08:43:00.000-05:00

An excerpt from a dream I had early this am...

I was at a beach in California and on the ocean was a water carnival. A dirty blond haired guy was bouncing from platform to platform performing clownish tricks. After awhile he came over to me and performed this weird illusion that involved a map changing form. I remember being uncontrollably attracted to him. A bit later everyone was leaving and he asked me to watch his black puppy dog, which had a red/rainbow leash. I agreed. He whispered in my ear "Call me when you want me" and then bit my left hand. When he removed his mouth there were 3 symbols that matched the symbols on the dogs collar. I assumed that this was his "number".

The pup and I went back to a hotel I was staying at and found my sister and mom packing. Don't remember much of this part only that my sister wanted to unlock a cabinet that was high on the wall, near the ceiling. She started looking for a stool to stand on but I grabbed her hand and told her no, "He" would get mad. She pouted and walked away. My sis and I were packing up the car and the pup started getting antsy so I took her for a walk. I knew she was a girl by the way she went potty. Suddenly the dude showed up and told me, in a rushed manner, to get into the car. At first I was hesitant but then I looked behind him and noticed that there were some gothic looking people running towards us. We jumped in the car and I noticed my sister in the drivers seat. We were flying down this highway as things were exploding around us. She was doing a great job at avoiding all the crashing cars and debris.

Next thing I know, I'm making out with "Mr. Mysterio" in some castle type room. He was dressed in black and red Victorian clothing. I noticed many caskets and then looked down at my hand and saw a wedding ring and the bite mark, which appeared permanent like a tattoo. Instantly he disappeared and then all these vampires grabbed me, wrapped me in a huge blanket, and then lifted me up and carried me off. I heard them talking about how they had to take away all my oxygen in order for me to transform completely. I was trying to struggle but in a flash everything went black and I woke up to the alarm.

Of course I hit snooze.

When I fell back to sleep I pretty much picked up where I left off. This time I was fighting all these vampires. We all had magical powers and it was totally like a scene from some Stephen Spielberg movie. I was winning but then my "husband" flew in and started fighting the rest of them. He grabbed me by the waist and kissed me passionately. We ran down a dark hall and ended up outside this castle. It was cold and there was snow everywhere. I saw the black dog again and she appeared to be a lot older and was very happy to see me. We were just about to get into some sort of vehicle but the dog started whining. We looked off into the distance and thru the wintry forest we heard crying. Like that of a small animal. I said something to the effect of "Wait, her baby is out there". As soon as those words left my mouth, this little pure white pup came running out from the trees and reunited with it's mom.

Alarm again...I hit snooze once more.

Fell instantly asleep and continued with this dream although most of it is pretty blurred. Basically I got the feeling was that he was trying to save me from becoming what he was even though he loved me very much. There were a couple more run-ins with the other vampires and what I remember most was that he was killed. I knelt on my knees next to his empty clothes, which were lying in a box and cried while muttering loving things. I think I swore revenge but am not certain. Then I woke up and stayed up.

That's pretty much the gist of it. There are details that were intentionally left out, mainly because my imagination is so wild that it even scares me sometimes. Got any ideas of what the real meaning is??? Feel free...Analyze me!

Woohoo!

2004-07-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

Reservations are being made for Duluth Pride right this very moment!!!
Rentin a cheap cabin with friends.
Drinkin ice cold beers from a cooler.
Hangin by a bonfire surrounded by queers.
Coastin on a fruit boat along the shores of Lake Superior.
Cheerin on the most naked of us at the parade.
Checkin out the hotties at the Softball Tourney.

Damn that makes me wet!
How fuckin exciting!!!

False confidence.

2004-07-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

As irritating as a thousand mosquitoes biting at your bare ankles.
Just be real people, for once in your lives.
Remember, when all is said and done...
it's YOUR soul that pays the price for all of the internal lies.

Someone's priority.

2004-07-20T08:50:00.000-05:00

You never left my side...not even for a moment. Feels amazing to be cared for without distractions. Holding me close as I shed tears of guilt and sadness. Not once looking at the time or seeming bored with my slow responses. You asked simple questions about my ridiculous self accusations and validated my answers, giving me your most honest replies. Thank you for making me feel special and allowing my insecurities to flow without risk of losing your compassion. It's nice to finally be someone's priority...if only for a day.

AMEN! thanks Miller!

2004-07-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

A Civic Lesson:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,"Dad, I think understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own wordswhat you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!

Dude.

2004-07-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I am totally not in the mood to be here nor am I anywhere near being motivated. Can't stay on task. Zoning out for minutes at a time. Channel surfin blog tv. Reading the ingredients on my Mt.Dew can over and over. Geesh...I suck! *stickin tongue out*

Comforting souls.

2004-07-19T09:19:00.000-05:00

Spent the weekend in the arms of many women. Ok, only 3 and they're all friends.

Friday nite after work I chilled with Apryl and Tanya. Had Chinese food. YUM! They basically give me a pretty damn good pep talk and listened to my concerns and whinny moments rather impressively. It feels good to have friends who truly care and question my motives without criticizing my intentions. Great feedback, thanks grrls! *hug*

Saturday morn I woke up pretty early. Just couldn't sleep in anymore. So on a whim I called CB and invited her for a coffee date. We met up at caribou and then hung out at a park near my house. Played on the jungle gym and I nearly broke my back as I tried to be all tuff and fly across the hang-glider thingy. Yep, took a running start and as soon as I left the landing, my fat ass flew into the air and I landed flat on my big butted back. Laughed about that for a good couple hrs. My right cheek still hurts! *grin* Ended up spying on a mama dear and her 2 doe. It was lunch time in the forest and they causiously dined while we stood about 20 ft away. It was quite beautiful. Later that nite, Apryl and I took a field trip to the Smitten Kitten. She bought 2 porns and some other things. Of course we just had to run back to her house and watch them. Cheese fest is all I have to say. Although, the first scene on the second film really revved my engine! *licks lips*

Sunday C met me at my place around 9:30a and we grabbed Micky D's and hit the open road. Drove up to Garrison, Mn. Gorgeous day for a drive. Got up there around 11:30 and of course I had to stop at the Curio shop. Bought a silver band ring with native markings on it. The pattern of 3 follows the entire ring. It's very spiritual for me considering that Milacs is the grave site of 3 souls I loved very much. I wear it on my left middle finger because it's a direct link to my heart. I wanted to park and just sit next to the lake all day but there was alot of boat traffic near the burial site so it kinda wigged me out. Ended up driving further north to Brainerd. Didn't really know where we were going but it didn't matter. Stopped at a garage sale and bought a Mary Higgins Clark book for a quarter. Felt like an appropriate thing to do considering that my mom would have done the same. After tooling around all day, we got back to the cities around 4ish. C and I chowed on KFC and then fell asleep around 7. I slept about 12 hrs. God that was great!! After such an emotional week, that certainly was the exact ending I needed.

Now I am here at work and ready to see what this week has in store. I'm grateful for those in my life who love me...there's nothing in this world worth more. Also, I'm missing my mom. It's 1 year to the day of her death. Can't wait to meet Heidi tomorrow. Hope she gets me. I could really use some guidence about now...

A paw upon my heart.

2004-07-16T15:36:00.000-05:00

introducing...Sir Gryphondor.

What Kind of Geek are You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your IQ is	frighteningly high
You are a	computer geek
Your strength is	you can see in the dark
Your weakness is	chocolate
You think normal people are	aliens
Normal people think that you are	disturbed

This cool quiz by owlsamantha - Taken 45821 Times.